IMPORTANT PATRON ALERT • NOTHING IS CHANGING • DO NOT PANIC • YOUR PLEDGE IS NOT SUDDENLY FORTY DOLLARS • NOTHING IS CHANGING • IMPORTANT PATRON ALERT • NOTHING IS CHANGING • DO NOT PANIC • YOUR PLEDGE IS NOT SUDDENLY FORTY DOLLARS • NOTHING IS CHANGING •

OFFICIAL EMERGENCY INFORMATION

PLEASE DON'T
FREAK OUT
AND DESTROY OUR LIVELIHOOD

Patreon is changing the way your pledge is displayed. The amount of money you give us is not changing. You do not need to update, opt in, re-sign up, panic, scream, post, warn the public, or form a citizen militia.

WATCH THE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT VIDEO I AM ALREADY FREAKING OUT
$1 → $1 If you give a dollar, you still give a dollar.
$3 → $3 If you capped your pledge at three bucks, it stays three bucks.
$5 → $5 If your monthly total was five bucks, it is still five bucks.

REQUIRED VIEWING

PLEASE WATCH THIS BEFORE POSTING ANYTHING ANYWHERE

SELF-ASSESSMENT TOOL

ARE YOU CURRENTLY FREAKING OUT?

YES

Okay.

Please return to the video above and continue watching until the freaking out has stopped.

Return to safety →
NO

Excellent.

You have successfully completed the entire required response to this Patreon change.

OFFICIAL RESPONSE PROTOCOL

THINK YOU FOUND A PROBLEM?

Great! We genuinely want to know. Please follow the internationally recognized three-step Livelihood Preservation Protocol.

  1. 01

    DO NOT POST ABOUT IT YET

    Especially not in a public forum where someone may read it, misunderstand it, and immediately cancel everything.

  2. 02

    MESSAGE US PRIVATELY

    Send us what you're seeing. Screenshots are useful. A 1,700-word warning post titled “URGENT!!!” is less useful.

  3. 03

    ALLOW ELEVEN SECONDS FOR INVESTIGATION

    Our elite team of people whose livelihood you are about to destroy will take a look.

PEER-REVIEWED SCIENCE

11 OUT OF 8 SCIENTISTS AGREE

“One hundred percent of fake internet freak-outs, no matter how exaggerated or obvious, retain a statistically significant possibility of destroying our livelihood.”

Study size: vibes. Confidence interval: terrifying. Margin of error: livelihood-destroying.

Doing nothing
SAFE
Private message
SAFE
Public concern post
BAD
“LOL imagine if…” joke post
WHY

FREQUENTLY FREAKED-OUT QUESTIONS

PLEASE CONSULT THIS BEFORE SOUNDING THE ALARM

Am I going to be charged more?

No.

Do I need to change or update my pledge?

No.

What if my profile shows a different-looking number?

The display is changing. The total amount you give is not.

Should I warn everyone on Reddit immediately?

Jesus Christ, no.

What if I pretend to freak out as a joke?

Also no. Thank you for checking.

But I think I found an edge case.

Awesome. Message us privately first. We truly do want to know.

But what if—

No.

FINAL OFFICIAL GUIDANCE

LITERALLY NOTHING IS CHANGING.

Thank you for your continued support and for your cooperation in not accidentally vaporizing our primary source of income.

WATCH THE VIDEO AGAIN JUST TO BE SAFE